Good Morning,
I had a blog written for today, but after reading a comment on my “Death” blog, I feel I should run with that.
The desire to run away!
I fantasize about running away and starting over a lot. Like A LOT.
Every time I am misunderstood, or my emotions are extreme, any time there is a disagreement but more so any time I feel the slightest bit of rejection or hurt, that is my first thought “I wish I could run away, I gotta go!”
I am currently not working, partially due to my mental health but mainly due to a back injury. Not working has been both a blessing and a curse in my life, but when it comes to the urge to run away, it’s been a blessing.
Knowing that I don’t have the means to just up and leave every time I feel that urge, has forced me to stay and deal with things head on, work on developing coping mechanisms, build a better foundation in my relationship and work on relationships with family and friends.
In my moments of despair, I feel that running away would free me of feeling rejected and hurt and like a constant disappointment but I also feel that everyone in my life would be better off. No more fights, no more misunderstandings or confusion, no more having to explain myself, no more disappointing the ones I love. I feel like they can move forward without the constant frustration of having to deal with my BPD.
I have to emphasize, I love my life. I have a beautiful home and property in the north. I have a great boyfriend (yes after 6 years still a boyfriend, but that’s neither here nor there lol) I have 3 amazing kids and 2 amazing step kids. I have dogs a cat and fish. I have a small family, my mom is great. I’ve recently reconnected with my dad and that is wonderful. I have a few hobbies. Not really a whole lot to complain about…when everything is going right.
But when that mood changes, none of that matters, I truly do get stuck on the idea that leaving is the only answer. Running away to avoid the pain just makes more sense than staying and feeling the pain.
A therapist suggested I start a gratitude journal. On my bad days I can look through it and remind myself of all the reasons to stay. It helped! But admittedly, I am not good at keeping up with journaling.
Have you used a gratitude journal? What’s keeps you writing every day? Do you find it helpful? Any tips to help me keep writing every day?
If you have felt like running away, have you? What was the outcome? If you haven’t run away, what has kept you from doing it?
I believe that despite the urge to do so, for me, running away would only be a short term fix, leading to more difficult long term mental health issues.
Id love to hear your thoughts!
~Tasha