Wow, it’s been quite some time since I have sat down and written! So much has happened in the past while!I think I am going to break up the events into different blogs. Easier to read and understand and easier for my brain lol.
I got engaged last month! T took me out to my absolute favourite lake, in the middle of nowhere. Not another soul around. When I was standing there, just taking in the beauty I love so much, he dropped down onto one knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. In that moment I was overcome with so much happiness! But let me tell you, the BPD brain is a very complicated brain!
T and I have a 6 year long history. We met and knew something was different. I knew this was the man for me the very first night. Sounds crazy, I know, but it’s true. We discovered so many unbelievable ways that our lives were intertwined over the years, yet we hadn’t crossed paths. Our story is definitely one for the books!
The first couple of years were tough on us, as while we were trying to get to know one another, T was also dealing with a fresh diagnosis of PTSD and trying to navigate the direction life was now taking him. Our relationship was on again off again for a while, but even while we were “off” we were never really apart. I patiently waited for years for him to be ready to take the next step in our relationship. For a long time, I really didn’t think that any sort of next step in our relationship was ever going to happen. Here we are, 6 years later, living together and planning a wedding next year. It almost doesn’t seem real!
So, I assume that a woman who has just been asked to marry the love of her life, would typically be over the moon excited. I was. Then the excitement turned to overwhelming fear. While this is all I have wanted for 6 years, suddenly I was very aware of all of my faults. I still am. My borderline is front and centre. I am suddenly very aware of my insecurities. I am very aware of my fear of abandonment. I am very aware of my overwhelming emotions and a lot of times, my inability to communicate effectively when I am overcome with emotions. We have had so many arguments over my BPD and how difficult I can be sometimes. So, in my head, why on earth would he want to spend the rest of his life with me?
In a moment in time when I should be happy and feeling more loved than ever before, I am having moments where I am feeling worthless. I feel like I will end up just being a waste of time for T. Is this the self-sabotage part of BPD? Or am I having reasonable thoughts and feelings?
The man put a ring on my finger and said all of the wonderful things my heart needed to hear, but now I am looking for signs of love in everything he does? He has quite literally given me the most reassurance a woman could ask for.Yet, I am suddenly hyper aware of every look, every action and every word. Honestly, it’s exhausting.
Other significant events have happened as well. I realize these events are also contributing factors to my mental state right now, I will talk about these events in the upcoming days.
How do we stop self sabotage? How do we begin to understand and feel our worth? How do we just sit back and let “happy” happen without questioning every look, word and action?
I so badly just want to feel “normal” . I want to be excited and make plans like other women. I want to enjoy this part of my life. I have waited so long. My BPD brain is just not letting me.
I am looking forward to working through this with my therapist, as I don’t want to continue like this. It’s not only hard on me, but I imagine it doesn’t feel good for T either.
Has anyone else experienced self sabotaging thoughts or feelings at a time in your life when you should be feeling happy? How did you cope? I’d love to hear your stories or words of advice!
~Tasha